BORN TO BE A STAR

2007-10-09T07:42:00.000+05:30

Hi Raja,

I miss your wishes
I miss your handshake
I miss your greeting card
I miss your smile

I miss you

I am awaiting the day to join you.

Whereever you are, I will always remain yours, applu

2007-06-29T21:23:00.000+05:30

2007-06-29T21:18:00.000+05:30

Happiest day of my life.
A day, I always look forward to wish you
And shake your hands
Give this card,
Give a present
See you smile

I can’t shake your hands
I can’t see your smile,

But my wish card is here
And my present is here
And only you know what it is

“I did not shed tears to day”

Waiting to see you

Love you always, applu

2007-05-21T10:14:00.000+05:30

I miss you da. I long to see you. Whenever I see others talk about their son, I feel so hurt, of all the things in my life I only loved you and Gani and what wrong did I do to lose you and why should I be deprived of my son’s love. You are such a wonderful guy.

I never forget you, though I try my best to keep your thoughts away. It is just useless. My heart bleeds and the pain is unbearable. No amount of tears is going to wash away the sadness.

Just hold me tight Raja, I need your hugging to keep me steady for Gani and Ma

Ever yours Applu

2007-03-25T07:09:00.000+05:30

Hi Raja

There is a beleif, early morning dreams come true. I saw you to day in my dreams at 5.25 a.m. You were sleeping and I saw you sitting next to you for a few minutes. I knew you will not wake up, but I was very happy to see you. When I woke up, for the first time, since you left me, I felt happy with your memory instead of the deep agony which used to cut through my heart. Of course there were tears, not in regret but for missing you.

You may be a frozen memory in other's heart, but you live in our heart. I still hold the hope, I will definitely meet you and be with you. Where, how I don't know, but I will, surely.

Applu

2007-03-03T09:30:00.000+05:30

Raja

This day, this time you said bye to me. You never came back home. From the moment I received the phone call from Ma, this day, for me and ma life has changed for ever.

Why us ?

Every day I have been searching for the answer everywhere.

Nobody knows.

My hopes, faith, belief, confidence, contentment, strength, trust, self esteem, my ego, my identity, everything has vanished. My faith and trust in Almighty is gone and I only fear The Almighty now.

I have no answer; I don’t know what to do except to cry, because I feel helpless.

Why must I grieve silently,
When my heart is so loudly screaming?
The emptiness I feel is consuming me,
Oh God, how I wish I were dreaming.
The silence around me is deafening,
For nobody knows what to say,
To comfort this agony I'm feeling,
Since you went away.
And each day the sun continues to rise,
And the earth is still turning,
Though my world has come to a screeching halt,
No one can ease my yearning.
For a part of me has vanished,
And a part of my heart has died,
And no one can hear my heartache,
Or feel the turmoil I carry inside.
And I'll go on grieving silently,
And exist on a different plane,
And I'll keep my love for you deep in my heart,
Until we see each other again.

My broken heart still beats because you are always there.

Touch me please, so that at least I can keep my sanity for the sake of Ma and Gani.

Applu

2007-02-21T17:29:00.000+05:30

Raja

I loved to do lot of things for you, but why God wished me to do this thing for you, I would never know. I prayed for you and I hope all the rituals I did takes you where you should be.

But one thing is certain, you will always be in our heart and that is the heaven for you, rest peacefully there, Raja. I am sure, somewhere we will meet, I will wait for that day. Take care of Ma and Gani and all those who really love you.

Forever, I want to be your Applu.

2007-02-06T21:06:00.000+05:30

Hi Raja,

Ma needs a hug from you, wishing her on her birthday. Will u come in her dreams and give her a hug. You are with me always.

Applu

2007-01-29T16:24:00.000+05:30

hi ma!!!!
wat u lookin at? y am i here???? well, i know that ur readin this blog almost everyday, so i thought il just let u know that im doin good n keepin well! miss u loads n i swear, its almost gona be a yr now n not a day has passed by with out ur thought!!!! love u like always!!!! plz be with me!!!!

2007-01-11T12:55:00.000+05:30

Hi Raja

Look at your Applu now, without you everything has changed. Do you know I am not even supposed to cry, because I must face the reality. But I don't care what anybody thinks. I cry for you, I remember you always, you still live for me, I am very proud of you, I want to be with you just to see you and hear me call applu. As before when you want me just call me da, I will be come wherever you want. Whatever I have become, my love for you has not changed a bit. Just take care of Ma and Gani for me da.

Always yours, Applu

2006-10-28T16:54:00.000+05:30

Raja

I have not forgotten you, I remember you every day, every hour, every minute and every second, you live with me always. Long to see your smile, long to hear your voice, long to touch you. Why did you leave me da ?

2006-10-04T09:28:00.000+05:30

Hi Raja

You know well your Applu and you also know I will listen only to the two of you. I realize I have no right to upset others. I will change. You will live in my heart. I will live for Gani and Ma. May be I have been disturbing you too instead of allowing you to rest in peace. We will never know why it has to be this way in our life. You are a wonderful boy, I am real proud of you.

We gave you the name, we gave you the shape, but now I don’t know where you are and in what form you are. I will cherish every moment of your life with me. With a hug I leave you forever. Bye da, go and rest in peace.

Always yours, Applu.

2006-09-30T12:35:00.000+05:30

Raja

I weep often

for the happiness and time we shared
for the pain of your ma and bro
for the hopes and dreams we had for you
for not knowing why
for not knowing what is left
for not knowing how to support your ma and bro
for having become useless to everyone
for not knowing when and
for the future without you.

Applu in wilderness

2006-09-23T15:48:00.000+05:30

i feel u every sec...
blow along my gentle breeze.
i know u're by my side...
much love ,
Galadriel..

2006-09-23T11:03:00.000+05:30

Where did you go
I miss you
Longing to have a glimpse of you
Longing to touch you
Longing to see your face
Longing to see your smile
Longing to hear your voice,
Longing to hear you call me Applu
What will it take

Applu

2006-09-22T11:33:00.000+05:30

Everyone say let go, they don’t know
No, don’t let go, you can’t be gone
Help me please understand,
You left this love open in a way they can’t close
Under a cloud of smoke and flame
I feel the slipping away, I see nothing but pain and sorrow
My god you are gone
Nooo, it can’t be
Can you hear me
Can you see me
Can you help me
I know you are not here, but don’t know how or why
Never answer the question
I don’t want to know you won’t be back

Applu, maimed

2006-09-21T12:05:00.000+05:30

I walk that path so often
In these subsequent times
Hoping for one glimpse of you
Among the dark pines.
I stand in the sunshine
And search for your bright smile,
Your golden hair
Against the blue-eyed sky.

I drive that road every day
And nearing that hill pray
That over its crest I find
Your slim, tall figure
Slouching home.

We are propelled into the future
Like a semi on our bumper
Every moment farther from those we loved
And who loved us.
We leave forever behind
The hour we last shared
And any last chance
To offer a caring word
A kindness, or needed help
To save, or at least ease
The loneliness and pain,
Or just simply afford us now
Some small fragment of peace.

They tell me you are at peace
I neither know nor care
You should be here with us
But never will again.
So in this aching emptiness
I spend my hours
In some sense waiting
To someday be with you.

Applu Stupified

2006-09-20T13:39:00.000+05:30

"I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine," He said.
For you to love - while he lives
And mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years
Or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call him back,
Take care or him for Me?
He'll bring his smiles to gladden you,
And should this stay be brief
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay,
Since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.
I've looked this world over
In search for teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd
Life's lanes, I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love,
Nor count the labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call to
Take him back again?"
I fancied that I heard then say,
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done,
For all the joy Thy child shall bring,
The risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness,
We'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for him
Much sooner than we've planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that come
And try to understand."

No Way God we can understand and accept! Applu Letdown by you

2006-09-19T13:35:00.000+05:30

The question what happened, where did you go, why did you go
I miss you
All through my life wondering why it was,
Always seems you lose when you need it the least,
I saw you leave, and yet don’t understand,
My mind is altered
I miss you
Never answer the question
I love you,

Applu Crushed

2006-09-18T12:09:00.000+05:30

I wanted to hope
I could not
Just to hold you
I could not
To ask you not to go.
I could not
Please. No
You never had a chance
And still I can’t even say good bye
You had to go alone
Never answer the question
I do love you

Can you hear me
Can you see me
Can you help me
As I wait an eternal wait
I will see you again
Together we will all be again
I will hold you again
I will always miss you
I will always love you, my Raja

Applu Collapsed

2006-09-17T06:36:00.000+05:30

From the time you entered my heart with you first breath
You created your place within me
This place is happiness and Joy, special for a son

From the time you began to walk and talk
You created your style within me
Putting memories of joy, in your place special to you

From the time you began school;
I watched you grow and learn
To become the person you were meant to be
Creating happiness, your place.

From the time you became a young man
I began to realize that in time I would have to let you go
To build your own identity
Sadness and joy, your place.

From the time I watched you leave me on that dark day
I created a place for you
And named it sorrow, your place in my heart

Love eternally, Applu Broken

2006-09-16T09:14:00.000+05:30

Damn the night
Damn this dream
Pray for the light and
Try not to scream
The link to life becomes
Link to death
Around the neck and squeezing out death

I beg for the day
I cry for my son

To look in his eyes
Or to know his cry
I offer my life
Just to understand why

God gave his son
But someone took mine
Was that you father
Please send me a sign

Grant me my answer and
I will serve thee divine
Christ died for our sins
Did Ramesh for mine

Damn this day and
Damn this light
Pray for a dream
Bring on the night

A dream of my child
And what should have been
A life with his family
Don’t let that dream end.

Applu Devastated

2006-09-15T15:57:00.000+05:30

every step towards success is in ur thots and memories. Else how come i'm able to pull/push thru all this. the bender will take shape soon, under gani's filming. U will be watching me i'm sure... as u always have. miss you, as always. words dont say anything of what i want to. dont want to fill ur ears with vain verses. feelings and emotions i've felt - i've always shared them with you. u will always understand me. we will be friends forever. no matter who says wat... i know those night-long talks wn u've told me how much or how lil i mean to you. i know you... you know me...

just keep guiding me. or just do wat u r doing to me. watever it is... make me win. or make me. or just... words fail me.

i love you da... it doesnt say a bit of wat i feel inside... but helpless...

love you ever... as always...

Yours
Shags

2006-09-15T10:41:00.000+05:30

They tell me you are at peace
I neither know nor care
You should be here with us
But never will again.
So in this aching emptiness
I spend my hours
In some sense waiting
To someday to be with you.

Applu

2006-09-14T11:10:00.000+05:30

I lie down and close my eyes to get some sleep, you float in my eyes and I try to keep you cool with my tears. Do I sleep, I don’t know, am I awake, I don’t know. Sometimes I am conscious of the time, but mostly not. When I awake everyday, the question still remains is why you and why me and why ma and Gani. It hurts not knowing why. Everything goes by the clock, Harish and Gani leave for college, Ma goes for bath, alone I start my first cry of the day. I hate myself seeing in the mirror, I lost you forever and I feel guilty. When you were a kid, when I held in you in my hands, I was holding the whole world in my hands, when on 4th March, when I held your ashes in the urn, I was holding my life in the urn and I put it in the sea, you and me gone forever. Do I do anything really in the day, I don’t know, you keep me company in the office but you don’t touch me when I cry my heart out. Where do I search for you. Ma comes, takes me to our home of silence and what I do afterwards, I don’t know. I feel only hungry, physical pain and the grief, I eat, I lie down and close my eyes. I have become immune to other’s feelings.

When the day ends and when it starts I don’t know, I only know I am getting little closer to you and to know the ultimate truth.

Tell me da, God is supposed to judge all our actions, who judges God’s actions. What is the reason for him to take you away and make us suffer for nothing. Every one says God loves you more, so he took you away, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I love you more and I don’t know how take you away from him, God is unreasonable.

I am totally confused.

2006-09-13T10:47:00.000+05:30

We little knew that morning,
God was going to call your name,
In life we loved you dearly,
In death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
You did not go alone.
For part of us went with you,
The day God called you home.
You left us beautiful memories,
Your love is still our guide,
And though we can not see you,
you are always by our side,
Our family chain is broken,
And nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one,
The chain will link again.

2006-09-09T09:36:00.000+05:30

If we'd known it'd be the last time
You'd walk away from our door
We'd have grabbed you
And held you to the floor.

We'd have hugged you forever,
And stayed by your side,
Never letting you go
Until your Ma and I died.

You'd have done for us,
What we did for for you.
It'd have been as it should be.
You'd not know the pain we do.

Applu

2006-09-08T15:54:00.000+05:30

Do Not Stand by my Grave and Weep.
I am not There, I do not Sleep.

I am a Thousand Winds that Blow,
I am a Diamond Glint on the Snow.
I am the Sunlight on Ripened Grain,
I am the Gentle Autumn Rain.

When you Awaken in the Morning's Hush,
I am the Swift Uplifting Rush
of Quiet Birds in Circled Flight.
I am the Soft Stars that Shine at Night.

Do Not Stand by my Grave and Cry.
I am not There, I did not Die

Where are you da, longing to know the answer, Applu

2006-09-03T07:11:00.000+05:30

Raja

It is exactly six months before this day, I left you near Madya Kailash and you left me forever, taking with you my life. The only thing which mattered most was you and Gani and to this day, I was not showing that sort of consideration even for Ma. I feel so helpless, I am not able to reconcile, I am not able to accept you are not there. If you believed in my love, Gani’s devotion and Ma’s care, why did you leave us to suffer in your memory for the rest of our life. I see you everywhere, I hear your voice every minute and when I want to touch you, you are not there. You come in my dreams and when I hug you and try to hold on to you, you disappear.

Yesterday, Gani solved a tough problem, I could sense you watching him over his shoulder, I am sure you would not have solved it, but you would have felt very proud of him, he would have loved to have you say he did a great job. Each one of us was very proud of each other, we had it in our hearts. Then why did you disobey my only request to you not to drive a two wheeler ? Did you not think of your applu, ma and gani at that time. Without you, for every one of us, the circle is not complete, it is open, we don’t see things the same way when you were here with us, small things which we enjoyed and brought us happiness means nothing anymore.

Will we ever know the answer to the question, Why did you leave us ? Why do Ma and me have suffer like this at this age and Why your brother who idolized you has to go through this agony

Days, months, years may pass by, but for me, the time came to a stand still at the dusk of 3rd March. I am waiting for the final hug from you when you will not escape, but will take me with you, wherever you are.

Applu.

2006-08-31T16:51:00.000+05:30

Don’t know, why, for the past 4 days, I am unable to forget you for a minute, my heart keeps aching and I am longing to see you. I feel you here, but I am not able to reach you, I keep talking to you in my mind, are you trying to reach your Applu, do you need something, do you want your Applu by your side for something, I don’t know, but I feel you. My heart is bleeding, because I feel so helpless and I don’t know how to reach you. I sense a sort of invisible curtain between you and me preventing me from reaching you. How did you have the heart to leave us da. I still keep the hope of seeing you and talking to you sometime, I don’t know how and when, but I will keep up that hope. Applu.

2006-08-30T14:03:00.000+05:30

Miss u da poriki..my fellow outsider. Can u see the new world i am in? Do u see it the way i see it..really wish i could talk to u now. There's so much we'd discuss bout.. When i think of our palace visits, i shrink and close my eyes to relive those sweet memories and not to cry.
U stand before me a million times in class.. always there to say proud to have u my galadriel. life is beautiful my zorro. Hear me talk to u..Hear my thoughts on the world u left...it will guide u to peace.
much love,your galadriel..

2006-08-29T11:26:00.000+05:30

the time has finally arrived......ur brother stepping into college....a new phase phase of my life beckons.....im crying after a long long time....why??? cuz i dreamed tat u would walk wit me to coll....now also i know u would but the thing is tat i wont be able to see u....walk wit me my GOD....stick wit me....give me hope....courage and bless me....i shall take on all challenges and i shall step out on top when it matters the most....i shall save my brothers name....i swear it....just look after me....
love u man
missing u
ganesh

2006-08-28T09:53:00.000+05:30

The saying about 3 things in Life :

Three things in life, that may never be lost
Peace, hope, honesty
Untrue – Only thing in life, that may never be lost is your Children.
Three things in life, that are most valuable
Love, Self-Confidence & Friends
Untrue – The only valuable thing in life is your children
Three things in life that can destroy a man
Alcohol, Pride, Anger
Untrue – The parting of your children, physically and mentally
Three things in life that once lost, hard to build up
Respect, Trust, Friendship
Untrue – The life of my Raja, lost forever and never possible to build up

Three things in life that never fail
True love, determination, belief
Untrue – In my Life, every one of them failed.

2006-08-22T11:17:00.000+05:30

hi.....my first birthday without u.......first time this is ever happening so its a weird feeling......i realise i have a long life ahead of me without u......talk to me man.....stick wit me.....

bye
ganesh

2006-08-19T20:15:00.000+05:30

Hi Raja

I have tried my best, but it is just not possible to forget you and carry on as though nothing has happened. I long to see you, I can not accept I can not see you any more, it may sound funny to others, but I will keep the hope of seeing you someday, I don’t know when and where, but I don’t want to lose that hope. At least keep coming in my dreams. More some one tells me to accept the reality, more I get depressed. Miss you da, Applu

2006-08-18T21:45:00.000+05:30

Dude...
i wanna stay in the state of disbelief of ur absence. u r with me or maybe in UTA. i'm mailing you. thats wat i'd like to think.
i'm moving closer towards bys enterprises. i finally sourced wat motor to use for our bending machine. gears will be bought for plan B as it has to be a two step reduction mostly. as for plan A, i have to design the bevel gears and install the system at AGNI. Sent them a report of plan A. thats wat they precisely want.Plan B must be designed, manufactured, labeled and sold. i'll try patenting it.
BYS is coming up with the any-zize-carton bundling machine very soon. dont worry. i'm holding up ur reputation. i love you.
you are my hero, ALWAYS
Luv
Shags

2006-08-17T01:47:00.000+05:30

dude...
i've figured out a real good mechanism for the bending machine. i'll make it happen. i hope things work out real well. i'll start BYS and get it registered very soon. dreams begin to realise. life still goes on. wish u were here. miss u
Luv
Shags

2006-08-13T01:17:00.000+05:30

BORN TO BE A STAR
dei...
me back... CEE (chief executive engineer) of BYS enterprises. dude... the bundler is in the godown. now looking into the prospects of a bending machine. i suggested them this idea wn we went there together but now here i am working full fledged on it. If my ideas are better than theirs, i'd make them an offer they cant refuse. i'll cut a real fair deal and make the parts in chennai (ennore foundaries for the humungous rack gear) or coimbatore and assemble it all and take the money. keep watching me. i feel comfortable when i feel ur warm presence. i miss u much more than words can say. every engg project that is a success, every day in rotaract - needless to say, it is dedicated to you, brother. guide me thru the seemingly dark road ahead. with u around, its always lit.
love you da
Shags

2006-08-05T20:25:00.000+05:30

Raja,

One of the few things I wanted was you to be with me when Gani joins college, to assist him and me. Guide him through and look after him. He has joined the college which I believe is the best he can go to, I don’t know what you would have advised us to do. At least take care of him, wherever you are and whichever manner possible. I don’t know da, whether with half my life gone with you, whether I can ever be normal (every one advise me to, expects me to, wants me to, how funny !!!), now I live the other half only for Gani. With one eye gone, you can still see the world, but it is not the same like seeing the world with two eyes. applu

2006-08-04T17:56:00.000+05:30

Zorro,
where'd u go???
i talk...i nod.. i flash an eaten-up smile... i see words spill out..i feel knife-edged tears ..i'm numb and happy. i close my eyes , i see u. i open them , i see u.
i've at least achieved something now-got everyone to stop worrying bout me.

Dearth of truth.
i rest in peace like u
i will speak up only when u do.
you are my hero.
MY ZORRO.

ONE REASON WHY I STILL BELIEVE IN THE MAGIC OF LIFE....UNDYING LOVE FOR A FELLOW OUTSIDER.
u know what i'm craving for.U KNOW I'M A TRUTH ADDICT. u know it too well. and i know u're telling me to wait. i will bujji. i will cos,
I BELIEVE IN U.
I BELIEVE IN THE GANGA YOU CREATED.
I BELIEVE IN OUR PAIN.
much love,
YOUR GALADRIEL

2006-08-03T10:08:00.000+05:30

dude...
back from the long trip. things will go smooth as i perceive them. the bundler will be made very soon. miss u da. very tired now. will blog again soon.
Luv
Shags

2006-07-28T11:47:00.000+05:30

dey......i was wondering.....now that your with god.......ask him one question on his face......what did our family do wrong??? what did applu do wrong??? what did we all do wrong to deserve this??? as far as i know our family has done nothing but good and not to mention applu. the things he s done. seriously he's god.why such a suffering for him. i cant bear to see him like this. dont u remember all this times we had as a family. u me amma and applu. now do u think we can ever have a vacation without u.u have no idea how much i cry when i see my friends going with their families for a vacation. hurts me so much.think and see, the only thing tat gives applu happiness "WAS" u and me. now sorrow has dissolved everything and even the happiness he has left in me is fading cuz of u. why??? why did u leave us. no forget us. why did u leave him?? i have my friends to give me happiness??? what does he have left?? don say its me......its really hard.ok fine you ve left us......if u really miss us and feel bad, u have to make a sacrifice for me. i don care what u do but u have to make applu forget u. i know its hard on u also but u have to deserve this. atleast for my sake. u think i can be ahppy if he s thinkning about u so much. if ur watching me im sure u would be able to see why im so detached from him and the rest of the family. cuz they are still thinking about u. trust me the only way i can be myself is for applu to accept the fact that u are no more and no force can bring u back alive and its time to realise and relish wat he has left his life.don worry ill make him proud but only if u do this for me.i know its hard but pls do it. your name will live on forever leave that to me. i promise if not now, in the future ppl will be able to see you in me. for so long i was no more than a shadow to u. ive realised tat its time to slowly change into u. ill do it but only if u do wat i tell u soon otherwise beyond a period of time im sure my mind will be lost forever and ganesh will be present only physically but his mind wont be normal anymore. so we have a deal. u do wat i told u and ill do keep up my word. hurry up!!!! the clock is ticking. i hope u know wat i mean.

take care
till next time
ganesh
p.s remember time is the main factor.

2006-07-26T02:26:00.000+05:30

dude...
hope i'm doing my duties well. i cant take over u. i can at least take after u. i had bhai biryani after long today. oh those days... oh those beautiful looks on ur serene face. how is it that u bring tears to my eyes in a jiffy? only u'll know y. but i wont cry. bundler is gonna be born soon. i need to perfect the design b4 i show it to them. got quite some work to do. cried the other day on my way from kilpauk garden rd to abhirami. u'll know y. i miss u. i miss ur nonsense tamil. i miss ur pachcha satta. i miss u inexpressibly.
I love you more than that
Shags

2006-07-25T09:39:00.000+05:30

Raja,

It hurts me badly. I did not sleep yesterday, keep remembering to-day you have to go for visa, I know you are not there, but I could not sleep. Of late you used to be so much away from home, I long to see you those few minutes in a day and hope to wait for the days like today to accompany you, so that I can be with you for more time. You would have called me and told me you got the Visa and just to hear you say that over phone, I would give my life. It is your happiness, which was priceless to me. I also knew, probably this day will be the last I will accompany you as your applu and you would have gone to US and you would have started living your own life. I was prepared for that and I never intend troubling you in your life with me accompanying you wherever you go. I was prepared for that loneliness. But I would have had the chance to see you at least for a few minutes and hear your voice once a while. I was not prepared for this loneliness and void.

Is that why you left us forever, so that I won’t forget you for a minute. I live in constant emptiness, without knowing where am I going, what am I doing, the only thing I do is to keep thinking of you, your smile, your voice and so many things you did from the day you were born. More the day passes, more the longing is. Your bunch of favorite shirts, which I keep with my dress, I hug them often to feel you. Love you forever….Applu

2006-07-23T08:08:00.000+05:30

Hi Raja

After 142 days, for the first time you came in my dream that lasted may be a minute and I saw you just like before and you allowed me to hug you for a few seconds. What a feeling. For the first time since 3rd march, I felt happiness, may be for a short time. We were to go to some unknown place, are you saying something to me, da. Please allow me to see you like this and come in my dreams, that is more than adequate. Hope you remember, you have an appointment on 25th for Visa.

Yours Applu, who will never forget you for a minute forever.

2006-07-19T10:34:00.001+05:30

see i told u......god took the wrong person......my worst fears have come true......ppl are comparing u with me......i agree ur a better person than me......i still havent had a chance to prove my worth......why are ppl like tat???? they re like if ramesh was here he wud have done this and ur not doing it.....no use mentioning who said it.....whats said is said.....i knew everybody felt like tat and finally i heard it out of a mouth.....its just a pin prick i tell u.....but its straight through my heart......enough of this......come back man......only u can save me......wat did i do wrong to deserve this??? tell me.....wat did i wrong?? im waiting for an answer.... come back, come back !!!!!!

ganesh

2006-07-17T13:40:00.000+05:30

Dude...
Thanks for coming in my dream again. How come u failed in a tooling paper? thot u loved mfg. I saw ma react very normal. Maybe i must've simulated how she reacted wn u lost ur fone. And wat was that towards the end of the dream... you wanna be with us forever.Maybe u r with us and its just we ppl who are way too numb cos v were way too hurt by ur absence that we dont feel ur presence around. But I understand u r around. I want you by my side all the time. I've not been to besant's in all this while. I only went to cozee once and that too with Gani. Otherwise, its just not the same old me. I've set ur pic as my wallpaper and i feel the urge to finish off bundler asap so that we can patent it and release it into the Market. It's still BYS and u r the spiritual leader.
Love you
Shags

2006-07-13T20:11:00.000+05:30

dude...
I felt real bad to hv made applu cry. It dug deep inside to see tears down his eyes. Come back some day just to make him smile. Please. I love you. If by staying away, i'd help him feel better, i may do that. but ur dream - bys bundler - should be a hit. I'll do wat it takes. I miss you WBR. U r always me hero.
Cant believe u r just not around.
Luv
Shags

2006-07-12T15:01:00.000+05:30

I wake up to the third of another month, I open my eyes,
My eyes still search for him, this pain never dies,
Four months I cried, these tears don't run dry,
To let him go, let his image fade away, I try,
He will always be my bro, the one who promised never to leave me,
When I close my eyes, his beautiful smile I see,
Bro, come back to this place where there is no love or hate,
Your hand I will never let go, look back, it is never too late.

I love you, Bro. Missing you.

2006-07-10T09:04:00.000+05:30

I just saw this “AirTel” ad. “Two word “Quit India” brought down an Empire, 1 Million candles can bring down a war, THE POWER OF HUMAN EXPRESSION”

From how many human beings and What form of Expression will have the power to bring back this smile ?

Yesterday night, when I was lying in bed, eyes closed, Gani called me Applu, just like you used to call me, for a second, when I opened my eyes, I thought it is you, he looks like you,

I miss you Raja, all the body pain and high fever did not prevent me from forgetting you, when I close my eyes, you are just floating in the cool of my tears.

Applu

2006-07-06T12:24:00.000+05:30

ha ha the saying "Nothing lasts forever, even cold november rain" makes so much sense now. dey u know something i always wondered why u were called base. i didnt ask anybody, but now i sorta figured it out myself. don worry i wont tell anybody and ill make sure i don get a nick name like tat ever. im so sorry i couldnt do much on ur bday. i guess u shd be knowing why. anyways i just had high fever again for 3 days, i went to a hosp also. i missed u so much cuz u were the one beside me when i was admitted in apollo last year and ur the one who told me not to bug the nurses by my tantrums. i kept that in my mind this time. u know i was thinking. what was the last thing u ever told me while u were here.........i tht it was the all the best u told me for my exam tat day but no it wasnt, i remember u were asleep when i left. its not good night, never have we said good night to each other. seriously i dunno, i think it would have been poi paddi or have u finished studying. let me keep it like tat till i find out. dey u missed the marriage, more than me freaking out im sure it wud have been u. everybody came. after so many years i was seeing them all together.i missed u a lot then. i know i wud have been left out if u were there but now i feel it wud have been ok cuz u wud have then and there come and given me company like u always do. in the end was i supposed to know tat nothing else matters...............

ganesh

2006-07-06T02:56:00.000+05:30

Dei...
I dnt care y zizu's goal could not be saved. i dnt care y our guys missed so many goals. i dnt care y we couldn't make it to even extratime. i dnt care abt portugal not having made it to the finals but all i regret is u r not here to shout "oh Scr..." cos i would've stayed over at ur place to watch the match and v wud've been back from our usual night out eats. sigh...
I miss you loverman
Miss u brother...
Wherever u r... Remember, I still love you the same way. not a day passes without my thinking of you. I love You. I wanna make u feel how much i miss you.Tho i dint go to little hearts, i remember ur having told me abt ur wanting to go there. I didnt laugh at u but i smiled in respect and told yuppie abt it. I wish v went there together. Aen Da? Y did u hv to do this to me? i'm gonna go to Krishnaveni theatre with Yuppie but the bery thot of that theatre reminds me only of u n i watching gilli there in harley's last few working days.
I want u back on earth just for a small span called a lifetime. Its something not beyond wat humans are greedy for in this god-forsaken planet. just a lifetime...
I know one thing for sure. tho i dnt believe much in friendship, u wud've been one guy i'd've stayed in touch with for a real real real long time to come. Sigh...

I love you n miss u infinitely

Shags

2006-07-05T23:59:00.002+05:30

hey rum, i was in chennai this week, my first there without you dude!the place isn't the same without you brother!!saw the same old places, the beach, cool cats, dhaba express, khana khazana, pizza corner...!Dude, i couldn't think of anything but the silly things we did there!how i wish you were here!this song just plays in an infinite loop in my head brother,

"How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here."

-vivek

2006-07-05T23:59:00.000+05:30

2006-07-01T07:17:00.000+05:30

I promised not to cry on your birthday because it is a day to rejoice, but could not control myself when I saw your ma for the first time so upset. Sorry da. But I will keep the other promise I made. I did everything to please you on your birthday, to gift your money by SW and spending the evening in Little Hearts to bring happiness and smile to those children of God. So many of your friends came, if you have asked them before to come to Little hearts, they would have laughed, but by parting from them, you have made them to come to Little Hearts and I am sure some of them will certainly help them, not only in your memory, but also on their own. Nobody in this world, how godly he may be will know where exactly you are, in what form you are, but one thing for sure, you as Raja, Rami, Eaash, daaei, and with so many names will always remain in our heart. You are an angel always, guide us, bye my Angel. Applu

2006-06-30T20:48:00.000+05:30

Dei...
I didnt wanna stay in chennai on ur birthday without u. I come back home this morning to c an envelope from the courier service u used from my house to send an applic. went to my room n cried my heart out. but all thru yesterday, i did something u would love to hear of me. i really love you Dude. I wanna c u happy. May be i cant c u. but i know u r really happy. i got u a cute gift from Phuket which i and only i shall preserve and cherish in ur sweet memeory. I will always love u the same way. I stand this day listening to songs that relate me to u. A belated birthday dedication is "Only the good die young" - billy joel, not maiden.
i love you Ramesh. I always will. I had certain other things in mind to do but i chose not to cos u know y. but i celebrated ur birthday in a way u'll love.
Always ur lover and brother
Shags

2006-06-29T10:14:00.000+05:30

2006-06-29T10:11:00.000+05:30

Raja,

This day, when I saw you, 22 years before, after all the years of struggle in my life, I felt I am finally blessed with something so beautiful, a happiness I never ever felt in my life. Since then, you gave me so much of happiness as a child, as a boy and as a man. I remember the days you first walked, called me applu, your fear of crackers, your love for road engines, your saying your name is amechi, your cry when we left you for the first time in Sishya, your refusing to go to school because Nataraj is beating you, your acting in annual school day programs, your thrill of first flight, your writing the exam at Vanavani, various days I dropped you in school and waited for you in school, being with you when you wrote your entrance and jointly attending counseling, sitting with you in Venkateswara for admission, waiting for your semester results, so many holidays together, your only dance I saw on Ma’s birthday, waiting for you to come back home on countless days, your fondness for gee masala dosai in Balaji Bhavan, sitting with you to apply for visa, the sheer joy of seeing you leaning on the wall of bus stand on 2nd March and leaving you on 3rd March at Madya Kailash junction when you said Bye (for ever).

Every year, this day, first thing I give you the birthday card, just to hear you say, thank you applu and shake hands. Where are you da, please come and say thanks applu and shake my hands.

Raja, Eeshu, Deyee, Ma, Dude, Zorro, Base, Machan, Amechi, Ramesha and with how many more names, your immortal soul was called, answer one call now.

Why did you make me, ma, Gani, Snow White, Shags, Ganga, Ram, Priya and I don’t know how many more to love you so much, you thought you had enough of our love to leave us.

We realize now, the meaning of happiness, YOU.

This is a call from the souls of your applu, ma and your darling brother and Snow white who all loved you more than anything else. Answer us.

You can’t read Tamil, so I am writing this in English for you.

“Inbutru Uyer Koduthen unakku
Uyer vittu thunbam thandhai enakku
Uerutti valartha unnai
Advan karaindu nitram ezhum kadalil
Sidaikku neruppittu unnai karaithen
En kanneeril karaithirundal
Kan moodi unnai kathiruppen
Sitrarival engum thedugiren unnai
Agatharival kan moodum nall anre ariven unnai
Kathirekkiren, natkalai ennikkondu “

For me, you are there da in Gani and now you have given me an adorable daughter.

I received a message from Gani, I am very very proud of being the Applu of you Two. The days we spent together are too precious for me. No regrets.

Applu.

2006-06-27T12:54:00.001+05:30

"you may come..not tomo. you may go..but never away from me. " These were your words to me. I tell u the same now. missing u my zorro.
love ,
Galadriel

2006-06-26T12:25:00.000+05:30

hi da
i'm back. missed u this trip too. once the wednesday function is over i'm planning to take a short break so that i can start working on the bundler from july first onwards. will visit ur folks soon. dnt worry i'm just fine. i still hv not outgrown of missing u cos ... u know y. but i really wish v both were to host a combined birthday party.
blog u soon again. still sleepy n tired. love u loads da
luv
Shags

2006-06-21T14:14:00.000+05:30

hey, this is a part of chapter 13 from my book....it sorta describes in brief the grief i went through.....the highlighted part reads it out.....don worry i will send it to u in detail pretty soon....

Jake came out triumphantly from the recording room with a gleam on his face. He found his partner sitting in a corner with a paper in his hand and all curled up. “Will, what’s up with you?” Will held out a paper to him. He took it and scanned it from top to bottom twice. “What’s up with this? Why are you like this?” He stood up and pointed to the surname of Burke Johnson and to the line below it. Jake read out “ Duke Johnson”. Will pointed at his badge. It read Will Johnson. “Could it be” Jake started before Will interrupted, “Yes!! Duke Johnson is my dad. And this is the secret my dad always wanted to tell me. He had another son. I had a brother. I remember seeing my dad in his deathbed long ago. He took my hand and struggled to tell me something. Choking out he said something like seek out your blood and that was the last thing he said. Now I know what he meant.” Will said wiping the tears that had started to come from his eyes. Jake gave Will a hug. “Its okay man, you got another brother don’t you” he said. “Thanks a lot man, Your the best” Will choked out. Jake could understand how bad his felt. Losing a brother was the worst tragedy that can happen in anybody’s life. It was a long lost sad memory of his fall and now with Will in his arms it came up fresh. Jake was very young, probably 17 doing his last year of high school. Nearing graduation day one day while he was sleeping his grandma who was crying waked him up. He got to know the news that his brother had met with a bike accident and was lying serious in the hospital very far. He was helpless and wanted to go see him but couldn’t. He gathered all his friends around to keep himself from losing hope which he didn’t do from the start. He always believed my elder brother will beat all odds and step back beside. Not for a second he cried nor was he scared. But then suddenly news came from his mother that his brother was no more. He sank to his knees and shouted out in pain. For three whole days he cried his heart out watching his near and dear ones also share the grief. Till the moment he saw his brother no more. That was the moment Jake gathered strength and decided this world rests on my shoulders and I cant show my grief anymore. My brother would want me happy. Years after that he cried here and there but never in front of others. He hid his grief to himself. Past had been long forgotten since then but he couldn’t help remembering after seeing Will’s tears. “I think you need sometime on your time. Take tomorrow off man. I’m serious” Jake said understanding the pain. Will managed a smile and walked away. Jake couldn’t bear this sight. He himself decided he needed a break and decided to sort out his personal feelings and then get back to work. He took his black SUV to a very big mansion near the edge. He walked up the porch with his head down. He rang the bell. A lady of perhaps 60 opened the door. He flung his arms around her. “Welcome home son!” She said. Hearing the commotion his dad came from upstairs. He was also very happy to have seen him. After years Jake finally his father’s happy which had spent so many years in darkness.

hope your happy ....
bye for now
ganesh

2006-06-16T11:44:00.000+05:30

hey etchai

i know u miss me, we had all the fun too soon, because i had to leave early. i was always jealous of your strength and guts and boldness. why r u crying da, i left u early but i gave you some one else to take care of you who is better than me and dearer to me like u, you know whom i mean, you only knew everything and i told you every thing. you are a tough guy, you have to do what i left behind to do, you have to take care of ma, applu and patti and you are crying, idiot wake up. i am always with you, fulfil my dreams, which i could not do, i am in you, nowhere else. love you etchai as always. next time cheer me up, i can't rest if i keep getting all these sick messages and all these crying messages from all of you. i have to rest some time and i can do so only if you take over from me and stand by me. by the way, don't keep getting sick again, it bothers me, take care, i am watching you, waiting for a real cheerful message from you like you always used to cheer me up when I am down.

2006-06-15T12:42:00.000+05:30

its hard to say tat my tears have dried up....well they havent....im still trying to accept the fact tat ur not here with me but i cant....everything i do it reflects a memory saying the last time i did this ramesh was there....when i was thinking of my football matches at AISC, the best of my life then i suddenly remember, that time ramesh was there and now he s not....i dunno how to take this torture anymore....i just came back from blore....trust me it was so empty....with u there it would have been great....atlest now give me the strength and courage to stand alone....hey by the way, im sick right now, come back and take care of me and cry for me like u did when i had dengue....maybe i should get dengue again....only then u ll come back....see man what im trying to say is im showing myself to be as brave but i cant forget a single moment and im crying inside every second....i was actually dreaming of danceing in the rain when patti woke me up tat fatefull day....she was crying and she said im scared cuz ramesh met wit an accident and he s serious....wait for like five days....if u can read this blog then ill write down about those two days from my point of view....then u ll know how it was....maybe then u ll come back....right now i trust ur beside me reading wat im writing....im feeling around myself trying to place my hand on u....well i think i can be rest assured tat my elder brother will take care and guide me thru my life....

till next time
bye bye
ganesh

2006-06-12T21:55:00.000+05:30

Dude
the bundler is taking shape. i will be completing its design before leaving for thailand. Once i'm back, i'll make a prototype and file for a patent. i'll bear all the costs and make this my mainstream business - BYS Enterprises - Specialists in Product development.
I wanted to start my own CAD consultancy but i'll take my time on it. Wish u were here to listen to all this. Cant believe i'm communicating very serious stuff with u. After all, hasn't it been that i was more serious and u were more of live-for-the-moment types? but why did u choose to finish living? Wat was that moment like, that u had to leave us all alone here?
So many questions remain unanswered. I know there can be just no way of asking U anything in person until i come to ur world. But i wont. not in the nearest. I can hear ur voice and see u guide me thru our goals. BYS may go global if i ever put in the input that u'll like and look up to. I'll b ur jockey. U lead me to the finish line ahead of others.
Love you Brother.
Shags of BY"S"

2006-06-12T20:25:00.003+05:30

Raja,

I wanted to buy you Ice cream so many times, some how, I could not. I just want to hug you and hear you call me applu once, just once da... Applu.

2006-06-12T20:25:00.002+05:30

Raja,

I wanted to buy you Ice cream so many times, some how, I could not. I just want to hug you and hear you call me applu once, just once da... Applu.

2006-06-12T20:25:00.001+05:30

Raja,

I wanted to buy you Ice cream so many times, some how, I could not. I just want to hug you and hear you call me applu once, just once da... Applu.

2006-06-12T20:25:00.000+05:30

Raja,

I wanted to buy you Ice cream so many times, some how, I could not. I just want to hug you and hear you call me applu once, just once da... Applu.

2006-06-10T19:16:00.000+05:30

Dude...
i still cant believe u r not around. i ask ppl - my mom and sister and yuppie at times - has he really gone? they console me which just means yes. i ask myself - wat do ppl derive out of lying to me? How could he not be around? I hav not gone to Bhai biryani kada in quite a while. I'll do anything and everything u want me to and anything that makes you smile. I really love You da. I cant survive this existence. I feel so numb to things i face. I was on my way back to chennai from tpr. The bus passed thru erode and i asked myself wn do i bring ramesh here and eat Boatti or kodalkari at devi vilas. I just heard u " Devi Vilas Weightt" I know how u spell or pronounce Weighttu. Aen da? Y shd i b orphaned off all my love? U meant all the fun and joy i ever thot a friend could give. Yuppie calls me his brother. What the hell does he know? I cant consider him even a second cousin. But U treated me like someone btwn a brother and a lover. I never felt the necessity of a brother ever since u n i became so close. I got two sisters still but not a brother, other than Gucci. I know u too loved him. I cant believe someone who never had a dog at his place, to the best of my knowledge, could respect mine so much. I remember how protective u were of him when other guys started talking shit. I just miss you...
When and where will i find a sweetie like my Bor, my lover, my WBR?
Remember those rice-grain writing night? We went to college without studying jackshit. I so remember everything. I gained so many acquaintances in ur area jsut because i traveled in ur bus to ur place with u. I still wish v had a stay-over, biryani together and watched some shitty movie of ur "IlaiThalpathi" the exact way u pronounce it.
I'm grateful to u and ur family. They r like family to me too. I cant wait to hug u someday in that world of no-return. I miss You.
give me the times that u should have spent here. I''ll achieve all that u wanted to.
More than ur dreams abt urself, i'll fulfil ur wishes for me and Bijou. I'll never make her cry. I'll always keep her happy. I'll always be what u admired in me. V mutually admired each other, respected our lifstyles, ideologies and philosophies. I'll continue to live life the way u wanted me to.
I love you
I always will
Cant find U around. But i know u can read all this.
I'll meet paatte soon. I'll never leave ur family. I cant fill in ur space even one ppm. but they all mean loads to me. I'll always stay in touch.
Bye 4 now
I love you
Shags

2006-06-10T09:53:00.000+05:30

Raja

I have tried everything to get control of myself and be supportive to amma and Gani. Not writing in this blog, going to meditation class, spend the time doing some work, learn programming and for the past 5 days not even looking at your photo and forcibly not think about you and not shedding tears.

Our home is empty, silent, we all just push time with out knowing how long it is going to be. I just realized except for Snow White, none called and calls me Applu since 3/3 including Gani and especially ma.

Honestly nothing works, since last night, whichever way I try, my thoughts are going back to you, your face, your voice, your memories and the last agonizing days.

The questions still remain,

Why you,
Why this calamity to our little contended family who did nothing except good to others
Why this pain to be carried forever to Gani at this age
Why did you make me, ma and of all the people Gani to love you so much
What are we, me, ma and Gani punished for.

I am not a saint, I am an ordinary person with love and affection and I cry today from the bottom of my heart for you. Without realizing, I loved you so much and this unbearable pain is not from my body, it is the pain of my soul.

You rest in peace, that is all I now pray for and to give courage to ma and Gani and my undivided love and and affection to Gani and Ma. I am a goner and there is no "I", any more. - Your dearest Applu.

2006-06-04T13:25:00.000+05:30

Hi Da...
Things are getting confirmed soon. I'll be completing our BYS bundler soon and show it to applu. Once that is finalised I'll make a prototype thru some sources. I'll work out all that's necessary towards it. Our dream should be a success, come what may. May be we aren't going global as planned but the bundler should be born. I still remember what you'd told Chinnasamy Uncle in the erode train while u were coming back from ur kerala Rotaract trip - "he's done some designing towards it." That's gonna materialize now.
U r a winner. I love You Da. U'll always be WBR and SkS. I miss you more than i miss anyone else. I wish v made our hyderabad trip happen.
But more importantly as of now, I'll make Ur dreams come true in every way i can. I'll bear ur engineering spirit and execute everything within my span of control.
I love You... Continue to love me. Please be there for me. Let me feel u inside me as always. I can never forget any single thing u said. Tears don't make me weak but they stir up our glorious past and make me reminisce . I'll be ur hero in everything else too. Cant forget having heard it from your mouth that i inspired u. I never felt gr8 when so many significant others complemented me. but wn u said "machan nee weighttu da.", right that moment i felt gr8. to realise that u certify me so, i dont think i need anything more.
I'll always b weighttu the way u want me 2 b. I will live up to wat u wanted me to do in our final 4:29 conversation.
I'll be anything and everything to make u happy. wherever u r. Just smile and laugh as always.
As and wn there r improvements i'll keep u informed.
The kiss i wanted to plant on ur cheek wn u leave to U.S is still in my lips.
"I can be you hero baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away "
all the songs that i'll never wanna listen to or sing, they just hit my mind so much just because i can associate u with them all.
Dont ever leave me, dont ever go.
I love you.
I always will.
how do u suppose i can survive without you.
i love you.
Shags

2006-06-02T18:39:00.000+05:30

Dude...
Finished all shitty exams. Waiting 4 a weighttu kooththu night stay with you. Hope u'll turn up. Anytime. Please come here and don't be late. I love you Da. Meet me at my place tonight. V'll go hv muttadosa together and come home.
Missing u...
Luv
Shags

2006-05-27T14:36:00.000+05:30

Dude...
Thanks a lot! I'll never forget this favor. I'll live up to your dreams. I'll make u feel good. I'll do all that pleases u in the future once I start earning. I really love you and I'm grateful to u n applu 4 the favor I received last night. All that is left is flight ticket. Of course, that's even more important. Two sources have turned me down. Still hoping. Let me c what god has in store for me towards that. In the future I'll make money enuf to fund others like me. I now understand y u insist so much on charity and philanthropy.
Anyway, otherwise I just feel I need to stabilize a little careerwise. Once I get a decently paying job, I can start planning out on my entrepreneurial dreams. Wish U stood by my side to make BYS enterprises dreams come true!
Miss You too much beyond facing reality. Wish U n i were to present these papers together. Love you da
bye.
Will always be in touch!
Shags

2006-05-26T16:36:00.000+05:30

Zorro,
it hits me now why u called me Lady Galadriel!! = ) . thank u so much for seeing it then itself. U knew what i was capable of.love u ma. take care. will never let go of u. i know u can see me handling all issues fine.peace. no worries. i was left back not to mourn, but to make u proud! Respect...
Your Galadriel

2006-05-25T08:56:00.000+05:30

Where are You?
U seem to reply to gani alone but not even once to me? Y? how did i ever offend U? V hv been the best buddies that buddies could be! maybe even more than that. n u now care to reply to gani but not me. r u pinpointing that no matter wat i cant be ur brother? whichever way, i always looked at both of u as my brothers.
Bye
Shags

2006-05-22T12:33:00.000+05:30

hey,
i hope u know ur the first person im talking to after i got my marks.i just wanted u to know,im so sorry ive let down ur name, my name and our family name,its the worst marks of my life.im ashamed to call myself ur brother.pls look down on me for the last time cuz im never gonna look at u again, im not worthy of it. im not upset cuz i did so badly the only thing i feel bad is its not a shadow of wat u got and ur not here to scold me. im so sooooooory. from now on if anybody asks if u were my brother im gonna say no cuz its an insult to u.i wud be most happy if u never came in my dreams again.i don want to assosiate myself wit u.i cant see ur face again its gonna haunt me forever. im just worthless. i can imagine how bad u wud have felt if u were alive. no wonder u left me. life is most cruel to me. i ve lost everything nobody to support me, everybody to look down on me. i don feel like breathing anymore. ive lost faith in myself also. i swear the least i can do for u is save watever is left of ur name and the only way to do tat is when aybody asks me "are u ramesh's brother?", im just gonna say no. the song of liverpool no longer suits me. when the storm cleared after march 5th i tht i wud see the golden sky but no its darkness all over and whether i like it or not "I HAVE TO WALK ALONE".
bye da and im sorry for everything....i feel u wud made a difference if u were alive...god has taken the wrong person and now everybody wud feel tat.....

2006-05-20T06:55:00.000+05:30

Had I known,

I would have got you the FS program for your mobile you asked me,
I would have taken from you the cheat for Music Edit, which you promised,
We could have had kabab dinner in Radisson,
We could have gone for the annual family trip,
I would have taken you to Erode to eat in the new hotel,
We could have gone to Bombay to visit Kannan which I promised to do since your first birthday,
We could have taken a long drive and had the chat which you wanted to have,
You could have stayed little more in the bed between ma and me on 2nd night as I asked you,
I could have hugged you and said you mean a lot to me and I am proud of you and I love you before I dropped you on 3rd morning,
And on 3rd March, begged the Almighty to take me and spare you, you are more dearer to every one else and you are needed more for ma & gani.
Applu…… minus 78 days

2006-05-19T18:32:00.000+05:30

Raja,

Gani just finished his exams and I was praying you will watch him over. I remembered when you did your maths TNPCEE, I asked you how you did and you said just ‘ok’. I was little upset, just like any parent, but finally you made up well in your exams and then we went together for counseling and carried on from there like every body else with limited ambitions and contentment and disappointments, anxieties, just a normal happy life. Then why did you decide to part suddenly and left me, ma and Gani, we all loved you like crazy. I can always sense you around me even now, some how take care of Gani and Ma……….Applu minus 77 days

2006-05-18T12:06:00.000+05:30

Dude.........
I hear so many things in my area which i usually call up to tell you and only to hear u laugh out loud. Remember yuppie and i always loved to hear u laugh ur unique way. I did something that u'd love to have seen or hear about. I just so miss you and love You Da. U r a real Sweetheart.
I miss You. Wish I get a job soon to gift u from my first pay. Sigh... U make me feel lame and helpless. I'd've broken free from the ties if u'd tied my hands down but they are cut. I'm impaired. I feel disabled. I need You Around Da. Cant even think u r gone. i cant watch any dappaanguthhu video cos i immediately search for you. Oh, How much u just lovd dancing that way...! Let exams get over, I'm planning to dedicate a night-long koothu. WEIGHTTU KOOTHTHU AS u call it.
Luv U da
Missing you...
Like fish outta water,
Shagman

2006-05-18T10:56:00.000+05:30

Raja,

I picked this from your directory which you stored in the computer.

THE INTERVIEW WITH GOD

I dreamed I had an interview with God.
“So you would like to interview me?” God asked.
“If you have the time” I said.
God smiled. “My time is eternity.” “What questions do you have in mind for me?”
“What surprises you most about humankind?”
God answered...“That they get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again.”
“That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health.”
“That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live in neither the present nor the future.”
"That they live as if they will never die, and die as though they had never lived.”
God’s hand took mine and we were silent for a while.

And then I asked...
“As a parent, what are some of life’s lessons you want your children to learn?”
“To learn they cannot make anyone love them. All they can do is let themselves be loved.”
“To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others.”
“To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness.”
“To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in those they love, and it can take many years to heal them.”
“To learn that a rich person is not one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.”
“To learn that there are people who love them dearly, but simply have not yet learned how to express or show their feelings.”
“To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it differently.”
“To learn that it is not enough that they forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves.”
"Thank you for your time," I said humbly.
"Is there anything else you would like your children to know?"
God smiled and said, “Just know that I am here... Always.”

If only you had asked me, I would have told you the same thing, but it was not necessary for you, as you have been doing what The God wanted for any children to do

Applu minus 75 days.

2006-05-17T19:40:00.000+05:30

Hi Raja

I treated you as a son for along time as a doting father, though in the last few years I realized you are becoming a man and have your own ideals and beliefs. May be in the last few months I started talking to you as man to man as I could see things I believe, you believed. Now when others talk and write about you, I see how similar you are to me in certain faiths, like shags has written about the beggar and your reaction to what he said. I would have done the same thing as I believed even if there is 1% chance he needed the help, you should do it. I feel proud of you.

I got the cheque from LIC, and what a pain it gave me to receive that money. If you have earned 1 Rs and given me, for me it would have been equivalent to 1 million. Are you trying to square off the account with me, I won’t allow you. I will meet you wherever you are one day and we will be together. Probably, you are trying to beat me in everything, character, behavior, knowledge and earning. I am glad to lose to you in everything, why beat me in the final call ?

……….Applu minus 74 days

2006-05-14T19:48:00.000+05:30

Here's engel lyrics 4 u. sounds so apt now! how i wish u were here! i love u, dude.

Those who live good on earth
Become an angel after their death
A look at the sky and you ask
Why we can't see them

First when the clouds go to sleep
They can see us in the sky
We have fear and are alone

God knows I don't want to be an angel

They live in the sunshine
Apart from us and endless far away
They have to attach them to a star (not a party/not much fun)
So they wont fall out of the sky

First when the clouds go to sleep
They can see us in the sky
We have fear and are alone

God knows I don't want to be an angel

2006-05-14T15:22:00.000+05:30

Dude...
Going outta town without u is s disgusting. our rotaract trips and erode trip still chill my spine when the thot reaches my brain that u r way too far away from meeting me for another tour ot stay over. forget it. but there's good news for u. All those kids at little hearts will be happy on ur birthday and mine every year from now on. Charity has been something u'd really preached about. I still remember ur having asked me to spare change for that pichkari at nandanam signal. I said these ppl fake it and they dont deserve it. U asked me wat if they dont fake it? wat if it is true? So true - thats y yuppie n i spare change for some beggar or the other when they approach us. And it pays. V did wat v could afford and saved a person in need. And I was in need and Applu has assented. I wish u2 were here so that v could go together. Thailand could b fun. Phuket fish. ha ha. I love You M8. Cant think of going down ECR or to pondy without u around. So damn miss You. I'll stay in touch! i'll keep u informed about everything that's happening to me and Bijou and everyone else u'll wanna know about. Btw, its my sister's birthday today and i miss u cos of the sambar at home. I really wish u were here. And she'll b getting married this yr. 2 bad that i'm no muslim to serve biryaani at the marriage. of course nothing like muniyadh bhai biryaani. he sure will miss u. Anyway... I love u and i wanna spend one day with u here at chennai at ur place. Come back, for Applu's sake. I really love u Dude, no matter how attrocious n notorious ur activities were!
Luv
Shaggy

2006-05-13T16:52:00.000+05:30

hi ma!!!!
how u doing??? guess i know that anyways!! im prayin, that God has given u all that u need there to keep u satisfied with all ur wishes n wants n keep smilin always!! i donno wat others wud want from u but like iv always wanted, i want u to be happy!!! as long as u r continuing to stay smilin n watchin over me.....il stay in peace!!! its been a very long time since i even wrote anythin in this blog, coz i started believin that u were actually with me all the time takin care of me, like u always did, ur beside me givin all that u ever gave me!!! but today......i missed talkin to u in person, wanna hear u say....."hi babyyyyy!!!" jaan is there anythin that i can do to just hear that ma??? longin for ur hug Amechi!!! was packin my stuff to leave this place forever! got reminded of those days how u wud stop me from goin anywhere out've town n beg me to stay!!! this time ur not there ma, thats y im leavin forever!! will definately come bck sometime just to visit Applu, ma, Gani n patte! don worry il takecare of them for u!! ma trust me, iv been gettin ur signs showin me that u r still keepin up ur promise to keep me happy, thru all means!! im movin on with my life but theres this incomplete feelin all thru out but guess ur some how managin to fill up that gap aswell most've the time some way or the other!! im fine baby.......im doin just fine!! don u ever worry bout me!im a big gurl n i can take good care of myself, if not for me, i wud do it atleast for ur sake! miss u like crazy, can never stop lovin u!!! with all my heart n soul i wish u were here again!!! love ya my Angel!

will always keep ur memories by my side to make a smile appear on my face,
will always continue to look back to see u followin me,
will always hope to beleive that ur holdin my hand thru all the long dark lane,
will always love you unconditionally till the very end!!!

loads n loads of love
always urs....n only urs....
Snow White!!!!

2006-05-13T07:50:00.000+05:30

Ma and me keep asking our self what wrong we did to lose you and what is that we have not done to you for you to punish us like this. Why did you kept reminding me about you yesterday and make me cry for you all the time. My heart bleeds and I can sense I am no more the man as I was before. At least for Gani’s sake give us strength and tell us what to do. Unable to forget you for a minute even. Long to see you. Applu minus 71 days.

2006-05-11T07:51:00.000+05:30

I can hear you saying thanks and your smile for my saying yes to Shags. Any more I can do to make you happy.

Do you remember this day last year. You made it wonderful probably knowing that will be the last time, we will celebrate together. We miss your wishes, your week hand shake, and most of all your wish card. Happiness, lost forever. We miss you da. Life will never be the same again.

When my life ended 3-3-06 4:55 PM
Will this be the day when my agony ends 11-May-06
Days without you -69

2006-05-09T15:51:00.000+05:30

“Nallathey Ninai, Nallathey Pesu, Nallathey sei, unakku nallathey nadakkum”, I read this somewhere and I believed in it and strictly followed. How come I ended up loosing you after I did “Nallathey Ninai, Nallathey Pesu, Nallathey sei”. You are around me always, I feel you, answer me da. …….Applu

When my life ended 3-3-06 4:55 PM
Will this be the day when my agony ends 09-May-06
Days without you -67

2006-05-08T13:52:00.000+05:30

Nine requisites for contented living:
Health enough to make work a pleasure.
Wealth enough to support your needs.
Strength to battle with difficulties and overcome them.
Grace enough to confess your sins and forsake them.
Patience enough to toil until some good is accomplished.
Charity enough to see some good in your neighbor.
Love enough to move you to be useful and helpful to others.
Faith enough to make real the things of God.
Hope enough to remove all anxious fears concerning the future."

What I practiced till 3rd March and lived as a contented man, now they are all only words without you. Touch me da somehow. Applu minus 66 days

2006-05-07T21:50:00.000+05:30

I lived on faith, trust, beleif and hope. After all these years, you have made me to lose my faith, beleif, trust in every thing and what can I Hope for now, living in fear, just live by the moment, why are you punishing me like this ? ......Applu minus 65 days.

2006-05-05T07:41:00.000+05:30

I always beleived every thing balances in life. Is that why you are giving me so much of grief to balance the happiness you gave me, if so, is it balanced or am I to suffer more. .....Applu minus 62 days

2006-05-04T20:54:00.000+05:30

Can’t you hear my call, how can you be so silent. My heart bleeds. Why da ? Why are you punishing me like this. …….Applu minus 61 days

2006-05-03T17:46:00.000+05:30

Raja

We had a life
Then we gave you life,
You showed us how beautiful life could be with you
You had your wonderful life
Why did you decided to stop it all of a sudden
And made our life empty.
Show me the way………Applu 60 days

2006-05-02T11:03:00.000+05:30

hi Da.
I'm home alone. Wish you'd come over for a night-stay. I'm calling yuppie over tho. But i'm sure right now that the stay over is not gonna be gr8 cos u n i shared a particular wavelength that no one can even dream of replacing. You will always be my hero. I wish v did make our plans come true- just u n me to some outstation before you left india. I miss you for your style of talking, your tamil and wat not? i miss your everyday sitting by my side, i miss your msgs, i miss phone calls with you. I just so miss you. Want you Da. Back as what yuppie n i call you in our phonebooks. Get back here. buzz my mobile tonight as u reach my place dont ring the calling bell. Standard procedure. this time i'll open the door whenever u come with one word of reprimand. but just turn up. Home alone without you is torture.
Luv
Shags

2006-04-30T22:57:00.000+05:30

Hi Da...
The only problem is that v used to call each other unparliamentary names. but do ppl who really love each other need to call each other with names? I dont remember wn i last called you by ur name or any nickname u ever got. when two ppl love each other so much y use mere names? Really love you dude. i've hated very few things about you and i very well remember u felt more mushy for me cos i told u frankly on ur face that u need to correct urself on those grounds - turning up much later than promised for stay-overs, going elsewhere under the pretext of staying over at my place ... (oops! olarittaenaa?) etc. But one thing i really hate u for is to have pushed our dearest TVJ (as on both of our phonebooks) to a tight corner with only one thing in mind. I'm gonna meet him soon. hv not seen him in a month n especially cos he's back at work and has taken a shave since u left him so lonely. But still v all love you. Thats something which comes off us involuntarily, spontaneously, obviously, naturally and reflexively for the kinda person u were.

Who else on this planet would know how u were crazy abt nila? U kept telling me the other day all the way from ur place to mine only one thing "Machaan nila daa.."
Each time i c ur favourite babes on tv, i cry.
each time i eat tomato rice i cry.
each time i eat sambar rice i cry
each time i hear thee-pidikka i cry
each time i wanna discuss something so private which i talk only with you, i cry
each time someone who dunno you try to show off saying trivial things, i cry
each time i c yuppie blush i feel like crying cos iam not able to reach out to you.

by the way, remember the post-it slip u wrote n kept on my dad's table. That actually came true. but guess she got lucky enuf tho. And Bijou is ur maanaseega student. ekalaivi. I'm sure u wont know one bit of mythology cos u r my hero who said mullai means rabbit, raddish n all.

I just so miss you.
I can just so hear Shaggy dont b so glum da... and i can c ur face and the bag i got 4 u on ur shoulder as u bid one last time for me to leave from college with you and go home.

Dont make me feel all so guilty again
u wont know how much i missed u wn i was at Kota baharu. Damn, u'd hv ragged my ass off were u with me. and i'm sure if v both had backpacks, v'd hv swam across that small stretch from kota baharu to thailand. i missed you cos the guest room at chinna maamiyaar's house had a double bed, typically like the one in ur bedroom. v'd hv spoken all night if u came with me. may be i shd've traveled with you that day fm college to ur place. had v spoken to ur mom, she'd hv given it a thot and arranged for you too 2 come with me.

i miss you so much for so many things i cant blog about. I love you Da. Never ever has my heart missed my hero more.

The last day of college, i didnt wanna pose for pics with anyone. i literally ran away. how can i, without my lover around?
you know how many times i waited and craved for you to walk thru the entrance of that room and come to me and say "shaggy watsup?" or some such shit? Aen da?
But one thing is for sure. i really loved you and i still do.
i dunno y i'm punished with a life without you
3 yrs with Bijou has not been this happy.
3.5 yrs of friendship with you had been so lovely. v fighted so little. you never dumped me. Were either or you or i a girl, sure v'd hv gotten married too. But y on earth did u enter my life, loved me so much, be a friend to me who never believed in friendship, showed me love isn't gender-based n so many things?
U r a mean dash. dunno wat to call you. may be just ur name. Remember how u got ur most recent nickname. u blabbered in engg management hour and yuppie framed the name. Gosh... I cant even blog this. u hv just been too mean to me. More than ever.
But i'll always love you da.
I'll be ur shaggy. That's y i signed off so many shirts on the last day as shaggy or shagz. anything for you and anytime da.
I still love You. I always will.
U will always inspire me. I'll watch all vijay movies for ur sake.
hv fun up there.
Luv, hugs and the lil gift i wanted to give you wn u were gonna leave India.
Miss you doesnt say it all.
Shags (i by mistake started signing off as wat other ppl call me. but here u go)

2006-04-30T20:03:00.000+05:30

Hi Raja

You saw what I did to-day. I can see your sweet smile and saying thanks. I have done so much to you, but I don’t think it would have made much difference to you as it is the duty of a parent. But what I did for Snow White, should be giving you the most happiness da, thanks for the chance to have made you really happy and for the sweet smile of yours. …..Applu minus 58 days

2006-04-29T13:55:00.000+05:30

Raja,

I am still unable to comprehend you are not there. I keep waiting for you. I miss you very much. I went to the hospital where you were born and I remember every second of that moment you came into this world, you gave me so much of joy and you also breathed your last before me and left me to an emptiness. You think I will forget you like every one else, never, I will come and meet you wherever you are. More the day passes, more I resolve to remember you every minute. You know your applu, how determined I can be when I want. …..Applu minus 57 days.

2006-04-27T14:56:00.000+05:30

Hi raja

Today from morning till afternoon, you were somewhere near me, I feel you,talk to you, say something da, give some message, I will understand, you are there da, probably playing hide and seek, I will find you soon. Miss you, can never accept you are not there. ...Applu 55 days

2006-04-26T23:44:00.000+05:30

Bro,

Done with my exams..finally. You were there when I wrote them so I don't have to tell you how they went. Thought my heart would feel lighter after the exams, it only got heavier. Lol, today I saw those guys in coronet juice shop. The ones we make fun of..Who ll ever laugh for anything like that but us? I couldn't laugh today, Bro. Not without you. I have to wear a mask when I am at home, when I am at college. Faking smiles, conversations. But I do have some people who take me for who I am.
Went to the tailor a couple of days back and I got remimded of the time you yelled t him..Lol. I will NEVER forget those days, Bro. And remember what we spoke about today..

Love you,
Sis constantine.

2006-04-25T21:27:00.000+05:30

Hi Raja,

More the day passes, more I start thinking of you, your voice, your calling me "Applu", your arguing with ma and fights with gani, you are always with us, how can we ever forget you da, do you see us, do you feel our agony, where are you da, why did you give all of us so much, only to take everything away in a second. Meet me soon wherever you want and whichever manner you have planned, miss you so much. Give Gani your support and watch over him always as you do, he needs you badly ... Applu minus 52 days.

2006-04-25T15:18:00.000+05:30

i'm not a lunatic.lol.. u know it better. just that everyone goes through a lot of chaos before finally coming to realise that LIFE IS A LOOM.

So i'm here now to tell u that i enjoyed the lil ride with u . thank u so much!!! You are very special. will always make u proud. u will see that as time flies.u will continue to be my fellow outsider.
bye my zorro..
love and peace.
- your galadriel..